2 Things I Totally Shouldn’t Tell You About….

But I am bored and in retrospect they make me laugh….

1. Sunrises are for Chinese people…

Up until about a year ago I had never bothered to see a sunrise, and coincidentally, never noticed one. The reason I didn’t bother isn’t because I didn’t want to, it was because I thought you couldn’t see a sunrise in the United States. This is because when I was a kid I saw the movie Shanghai Noon with Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson. Well Jackie was obviously from China, and Owen Wilson was a western cowboy. At one point in the movie they are arguing and Owen Wilson says “The sun may rise in the east but it sets in the west!” I took this to mean that if you wanted to see a sunrise, you had to live in China. Then I figured that was why their flag looks like a sun, I realize it doesn’t. For some reason for years I thought the flag of China was the pre WWII Japanese flag. I have NO idea how I was under so many misconceptions at the same time, but until my twenties, it all made perfect sense. 

2. The I am going to die any day incident.

Going into the shower once I looked down, and from my ribcage to my hips it was blotchy blue and looked bruised. Quickly I checked off in my head that no, I hadn’t been hit by any cars recently, nor had I awkwardly lunged into anything… again…  I came to the conclusion that I must have leukemia, and I sat down to panic. It was a good ten minutes worth of panicking, thinking about the tests that would be done at the hospital, cursing the injustice of how young I am, and it meaning at 12 or 13 I was middle aged… etc. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw my brand new navy blue tanktop on the floor, and realized I was blotchy blue in the shape of that very same tank top. I then showered cursing the third world sweatshop that dyed the fabric (probably that damn sunrise country), and went to watch Frasier.

He’s Totally Got a New Friend!

Due to the recent untimely demise of my sister’s cat Meowsers, I bought a dumpster kitten to give her as a gift (literally a dumpster kitten). Not to replace Meowsers, but because my sister’s house is a strange foreign land without a minimum of three cats. Plus Mr. and Mrs. don’t have to deal with children and their temper tantrums needed something to shake up their home, why? Because, why not?

 

My sister’s husband Mare was Meowser’s buddy, so he is having a hard time adjusting to the kitten. He is full of threats of getting my daughter a snake or a bird as revenge for the kitten imposition. What’s hysterical though, is that the dumpster kitten immediately took to Mare and just assumes Mare will love him. So to cool down the embers of my brother-in-laws burning anger and resentment at my thoughtful and humanitarian gift, I have compiled a list of benefits that come from having a new kitten friend. Just look at all of the fun you can have Mare!

Your Kitten Can:

Run with you during an explosion

conair

 

Enhance your bravery during crocodile wrestling

dundee

Good company for camel back riding!

 

egypt

Laugh at all of your jokes if you decide to join a comedy team.

 

hardy

Keep you entertained during those long hours at sea

 

 sailor

Have someone to totally back you up in the senate

 

SENATE

Take hiking trips with you, this will be so epic they’ll change the signs in your honor.

 

hiking

 

Yes Mare, you are totally welcome.

-Love

The Best Sister in Law EVER

I Totally Said that.

oyveyI have noticed that when you have small children around, it means sentences you never thought would ever be spoken in the duration of human kind come out of your mouth throughout the day. Here are some examples:

In regards to my daughter’s purse full of pebbles:

“No you can’t bring your rock purse.”

When my daughter went through her Alice Cooper faze at the age of 5:

“People just don’t wear Alice Cooper makeup to the grocery store. Wait until we’re done shopping and you can put on your Alice Cooper makeup.”

In the car:

“Don’t throw the monkey ears in the car they could get stuck under the pedals!”

After forcing me to take home a caterpillar which hatched into a frightening brown moth:

“You can’t give a moth a bath it will drown.”

and

“I have no idea where to get moth milk.”

After the Bengay incident:

“Why would you put Bengay in my underwear!?”

Answers to various questions you never thought would be asked:

“It would take millions of mosquitos to make the windshield dirty with their poop. Why? Because how big could their poop be? I have no idea if it’s bigger than a fly’s.”

“Because if you put your hand in boiling you will get hurt.”

“No you can’t change your name to Fang. When? When you’re 18 you can change your name to Fang.”

“Boys don’t make milk because they don’t have the right stuff in their bodies. No I have no idea what it would taste like.” 

“Because people can’t change into animals, it just doesn’t work that way!”

“Because it the cards were made out of wood like that you couldn’t shuffle them.”

“Because the rats would freeze if they lived with penguins.”

“Because if you lived on a roller coaster you would be sick all the time and you wouldn’t have a bathroom.”

I Totally Wrote That

I have given up on appeasing the literary agent Gods who have brought you such classics as “Sargent Daddy” and “I Was A Cowboys Wife” and have branched out on my own.

Drum roll please….

Rebecka Hearts History, the story based on true events of annoying my sister. Usually it’s by playing devil’s advocate, but now I can annoy her in my imagination.. while teaching history facts!

Image

 

Yes Dear Husband, I will totally help you

So my husband is redesigning his business website (the real name of which I obviously changed) and having a hard time selecting the graphics. He was becoming rather irate with me because graphics is basically what I do, and I apparently was of no help. I took his hand, and said “I will help you.” Here is what I came up with:

 

banner 

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Untitled-4

Untitled-5

 

Personally I think they all have genius marketing angles, the husband however disagrees. This is why I can’t work with him, he never appreciates my talent.

She’s Totally Like a Vegan Doughnut

irish-creme-donut-dunkin-donutsWe all have heard many analogies used for women, women are like cars, cats, rocks, weather, etc. But have you heard of how a woman is like a doughnut? And have that analogy meant as a compliment? Well my friends, I have.

First let me paint a portrait of the guy who said it, he is in his twenties, wants to tell you his biography because he is very interesting and unique, and he wants you to know he is so on the level.  Last year at my daughter’s school dinner, he sat next to me, he talked for about 30 minutes and kept giving me blessings to have more children. I awkwardly smiled, and kept thinking “Whoa dude, not only is that weird, but I don’t believe I said I wanted more children.” We’ll call this guy Marv.

This year my sister was dragged along to my daughter’s school’s dinner, and this year she was the one cornered into conversation. And that’s when it happened, the analogy of all time, when he was talking about a teacher at my daughter’s school: 

“Have you ever been to the Vegan Delight Bakery?” Marv asked my sister Rebecka.

(Of course it’s a Vegan bakery)

“I’m not from around here,” Rebecka replied.

“Oh you should really go when you get the chance, blah, blah, blah. Anyways, they have this Bavarian cream doughnut, it’s really good. The teacher is like that, except instead of being full of creamy goodness, she’s full of righteousness.”

OMG. Seriously? Instead of CREAMY GOODNESS she’s full of RIGHTEOUSNESS? Who talks like that? Wow guy, just wow. It’s a strange double entendre insulting compliment, and who uses terms like righteousness anyways??

Anyways, after this completely bizarre analogy, I have come up with some more of my own, that have never been heard. So just in case my social cue ignorant friend stumbles across this blog, he can get some new ideas.

11954291531006655589tube_hago_ziegler_01_svg_hiShe is like a toothpaste tube, except instead of being full of minty freshness, she’s full of angelicness.

 

 

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She is like a car freshener, except instead of giving of piney aroma, she gives off saintliness.

 

 

 

514_400x400_NoPeelShe’s like an Easter Island statue, except instead of a giant head, she has a giant sense of nobility.

 

 

 

potato-pierogies She’s like a deep fried perogi, except for instead of being full of mashed potato cheesy goodness, she’s full of virtuousness.

 

 

f1005-wigwam-king-tube-sock-13736She is like a organic tube sock that is too small, but instead of leaving impressions on your skin, she leaves impressions on your heart, impressions of rectitude.

Personally, I consider myself like a tube of antibiotic cream.

Motorcycle Folk…

Motorcycle---Cartoon-1_fullLast week while driving my daughter to ballet, I noticed some absolute geniuses in front of me weaving in and out of traffic. It was a couple on a motorcycle, and the young lady on the back, rather than holding on, was sitting up, leaning back a bit, and taking a video with her cell phone, as they weaved between cars. Naturally, being smart enough to take a video on your cell phone that you can upload to facebook to show everyone how cool they are, they were both smart enough to know that wearing a helmet on a vehicle going 75 MPH that offers no protection would just be silliness. Why avoid a cracked skull glistening on the pavement? I for one would welcome it, it would distract from the terribly sad feeling I get whenever I see bunny or squirrel intestines on the road.

I remember when they revoked the motorcycle helmet law when I was a kid. How do I remember this when I can’t remember virtually anything about the outside world at the age of ten? Because that day suddenly there were tons of people riding through town that day on their motorcycles wearing no helmets. Because rebelling against safety is so where it’s at.

Yeah Joe! They can’t force us to keep our brains intact anymore! This is ‘Merica! Now where’s my confederate flag with the naked lady and skulls on it?